Saturday, August 20, 2011

Dear Life, You Win....Or Do You??

NOTE: No idea why this post is saying I posted it today. I posted this in like November sometime. Soooo if you've already read it, sorry. If not then read it and laugh at how awesome my luck is. :)

Dear Life-

What the hell is your problem?!?!

You think you're soooo funny.

Well guess what. You're not.

I guess sometimes you can be. But you see, you've given me a horrible case of bad luck. Not just bad luck....weird luck. Say, for instance, that I fell. Like a normal person, I wouldn't just trip and fall but I would probably trip over a pebble and fall face first into a thousand dollar ice cream cake. No idea who would buy a thousand dollar ice cream cake..but now I'm craving cake and wish I had a thousand dollars to splurge on such tasty treats. Damn you life, damn you!

This hideous cake costs 1.65 million dollars and has 223 diamonds on it.
 And the only thing I can think of is that it looks like it says "Dic" on the top.

Tonight, you tried to pull a fast one on me and it worked. Demanda and I were in this nice little resort by our house where we like to go for Happy Hours and extremely expensive Sunday Brunch. It's overlooking the ocean and the happy hour has super cheap drinks and free food. Hollar!!! Can't get much better than that. I wasn't feeling too hot tonight so didn't really want to go buuuut Demanda did and plus free food means I don't have to get my lazy ass in the kitchen to make dinner. Win/Win all around, folks. 

As we were paying the tab (or I guess as Demanda was paying the tab since she decided to be my suga momma for the evening) a guy comes up to us and says "Is one of you Jaymes?" (he said my real name but I've decided not to put it here...even though most of you probably know it anyway.) I said "yep that's me!" thinking maybe I won the lotto (Demanda thought I lost my ID or Debit card because that's something I would do but then she realized my debit card was already lost yesterday) and he said "Can you come with me? Your car was hit in the parking lot by another car and the cops need to talk to you."  Ok seriously?? Does this crap ever end? I got rear ended the week before Thanksgiving, Demanda had A LOT of some issues with her car in October... why do you hate us life, why??

So this is where you, life, get really sweet. The cop came over to talk to me and he described the accident as...wait for it....keep waiting...a little longer....

"Your car was hit by a parked car"*

Not quite this bad

.................. I know. What. The. Fuck?!?! Are you joking me?? Only these things would happen to me! Not only does my car get hit while in a parking lot but it gets hit by a car that isn't even moving. Real funny, life. Way to make a crap day even more awesome. 

But this is where the jokes on you. Because I wasn't mad. I didn't cry. I laughed...hard. Because life, you may throw these shitty things my way but at the end of the day they make for awesome blog posts and funny stories. So I guess thanks for that. But you still suck for messing up my car. 

F off please,


* To go into more detail, someone was towing a trailer in a parking lot and as they went around the corner, the trailer hit a parked car which got smashed into mine. Luckily I only have paint damage on the bumper, side panel and the door..but hopefully I'll get a nice lil paint job out of it!

Friday, August 5, 2011

Nikki Reed Gives A Shit

Over here at Borderline Phenomenal, we like to talk about some unusual things. More so in our lives than on the blog but that's because we're easing our way into it. Conversations we have in our daily lives usually make men cringe...and that says a lot. We talk about any and everything. Even poop jokes. Probably as much as Jenny Jerkface and if you know her, you know that's a lot.

This has nothing to do with this post except for the fact that it's poo and awesome. 

Also, we like doing good deeds. It may not seem like it but that's because we aren't those types of people to brag about it. When we do it, it's quietly done so we don't seem like assholes doing it for the wrong reasons. Those people suck. But I guess a good deed is a good deed. BTW, we've had a few good deeds come our way recently and will write about that more on that in another post. But in general, when it comes to caring, we give a shit. 

You know who else gives a shit?

Nikki Reed is gorgeous AND gives a shit. Double bonus.
If you don't know what I mean, I'll prove it to you. Sit back, watch, and learn as Nikki teaches you how to care by simply...


You're welcome.