Thursday, January 27, 2011

How Using Incorrect Punctuation Leads To Awesome Ideas

If you read our last post, you know there's absolutely NO way I can top it. It was just way too good and I'm going to need to think of something utterly spectacular to get anywhere near that awesome.

Last weekend was an extremely lazy one. Both Demanda and I weren't feeling well. I think she received an envelope full of Anthrax in the mail and I had a sickness resembling SARS, emphysema, or malaria (not really sure what SARS is but it sounds gross). I had this sickness for 28 days and it sucked donkeys balls. Luckily we're both feeling a little better now so maybe by this coming weekend we'll be good to go (go where, I don't know.)

I had my idea for a blog post all picked out based on a convo me and some sexy h00rs had on twitter last week. But then something happened the other night. Demanda went to bed at like 8:30 because she accidentally overdosed on sicky meds so I was bored with no one to talk to. I hopped on my computer to catch up on all my blog reading and I got an email telling me I had a new follower request on Twitter. This new follower was none other than the amazing, the stellar, the timeless........

Motha F'ing Glamour Shots,  yo!! 

Yes, Glamour Shots: The White Trash Makeover. Not gonna lie, I thought these things were pretty sweet back in the day. I might have even gotten them taken. BUT only because I won a radio contest or some shit and it was free. I was 12 or 13 and yes, I looked gorgeous. Just like everyone looks when they get all glammed up in blue eye shadow and red lipstick while being photographed wrapped up in a cocoon made of metallic fabric.

Exhibit A. The stylist wraps you like that so you can't run out screaming.  

I don't have much to say on the subject of Glamour shots (I keep typing Glamour Shits, which is definitely what they should have been called) because I think the pictures speak for themselves.

You don't need to hold your hair up like that, just let the Aquanet do it's job. 

Come on, you're dressed glamorous, your bangs are kickin and you have a  pretty rose for that special someone.  Pep it up! 

Nothing says "cowgirl chic" like bright gold gloves to match your fancy hat. 

Even Willard Scott's friends get Glamour shots!

After I had noticed that Glamour Shits (I've stopped correcting the spelling, I think it's better this way) was trying to follow me on Twitter, I wrote a nice little tweet about it. But because I am too tired at night to use proper punctuation, I wrote this

And then I got the following response from Suz:

I read her tweet, giggled for a bit and then googled "dude glamour shots" and after what I saw, I knew I had the topic for my next post. So thank you Suz! And to all of my followers, go visit her over at Suz's Petals. Maybe she'll inspire you for your next blog post too!

Now I will leave you with what started this whole post. I present to you.......drumroll please.......

Dude Glamour Shits!!

Put on all the glittery crap you want, you'll never be a Cullen.

How sweet, he took a picture with the only pussy he'll ever get.

And last, but not least. Our favorite glamour Shit

Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite 
Hope you enjoyed all of the lovely and sexy eye candy. Tell me in the comments, have you ever had Glamour Shits or similar pictures taken? What was your experience like? If you REALLY wanna be bold you can email them to us ( Maybe if you show me yours, I'll show you mine.


Thursday, January 20, 2011

Laundry Basket Lovin

I was watching Chelsea Lately a few days ago and she covered a story that creeped me the fuck me out. Please know that I consider myself to be one of the most open minded, non judgmental people in the world. I love the vast different lifestyles that my friends lead and as long as it’s not hurting someone else, let your freak flag fly. You go, girls!

Ok, now that I got how awesome I am out of the way, WHAT THE FUCK is this lady’s problem?!  Apparently this woman is a tad bit fed up with her marriage because she is the “breadwinner” of the family. She talks about how her sexual desire has changed and how she cannot reach an orgasm from her husband… blah blah blah. The fact of the matter is YES, people have highs and lows in marriages/relationships, I’ve been there.

That's what this is for!

However I have NEVER turned to my household items for sexual gratification. But this lady did. She started getting it on with her LAUNDRY basket! To watch the video, click here because for some reason I can't post it on our blog

 What baffles me about this story is HOW did she choose the laundry basket? Was she sitting on the washer during the spin cycle, looked over at it and said, “Hey you, wanna join?” I cannot fathom why she would get turned on by this item, maybe it chose her I don’t know. I have to be honest, I just watched the highlight about this story and maybe it covers how she chose her laundry lover but I don’t think I can sit through an hour of  a story about that type of lovemaking

This is the exact model she used. We have this same one at home.
I found it waiting for me on my bed the other day in the spot where I sleep. Jaymes is such a dick.
(Note from Jaymes: You looked a little sexually frustrated, I was just trying to help you out)

How do you even tell your husband, it’s not you, it’s the laundry basket? If I went to town on a that thing, I would be so ashamed I wouldn’t even tell Jaymes, and I tell her EVERYTHING.  Yet this woman goes on a talk show, publicly humiliates her husband …for what? If I were him, I’d put sharp objects all over her basket and get even.

 I just don't get it!

While writing this blog and searching for pictures, I came upon some different types of laundry baskets. Perhaps I should send her an email with suggestions but instead I'll post them here in hopes that maybe she'll come across this blog (or not since I just insulted her big time) and pick up the following tips.

In a galaxy far, far away...your world will be rocked.

I don't know about you but this seems like it would chafe.

Folds in half for all of your sexual needs.

Can be raised or lowered. You can cum come to it or it can come to you.

I think her husband was confused when she said her pussy loves the laundry basket.

Hopefully this lady finds some other type of satisfaction down the road other than household items. I'm sure it's going to make life difficult in the long run if she ever has houseguests over and they see her going to town on the dustpan. Along with being awkward, it's just very unsanitary.


Monday, January 3, 2011

A Letter to My Bloggy Life Partner

Dear Demanda-

I know we said that our first blog of the new year would be New Years resolutions but who are we kidding? You know we'll post those in June or something. That's the way we do things here. We lag big time. Hence the reason we're only BORDERLINE phenomenal. Procrastination is our way of life. That and borderline alcoholism.

True story.

As you might have noticed, I write you letters often. Well, not really THAT often. I wrote you one previously apologizing for hurting your feelings. And then I wrote a nice little blurb in the form of a post-it on your door (which has remained there for the last 8 months). Now I'm writing you another letter as a plea.

Some people might not know about this nice little website I have been known to obsess over frequent as of late called Tumblr. For those  people, I would warn them do NOT go near it. It's a time suck. But for you, it would be an awesome way to communicate. Really it's not enough that we live together, talk on twitter, facebook, gchat, text, talk on the phone and hang out 24/7. We need tumblr to add another form of awesome communication.

I really think you need to join. I mean at least if not for me, do it for our readers. Not only can they follow us on our blog and on twitter but now they can see awesome pictures we post.

If you're still not convinced, I will list out some more reasons for you to join. You know how I love lists. I got that trait from you back in jr college when you would make random lists for EVERYTHING. I think I still have one somewhere in my storage or closet that we made as a joke. It's probably buried under mass amounts of clothes and shoes. Perhaps after joining tumblr, we should submit an application to Hoarders.

Specifically because this looks like our closets, minus the neatness.

 So here is my list. My final attemp to get you to join tumblr or for you to say "Jaymes, go ahead and make me a tumblr page and I will look at it/update it every once in a while. By the way, you're beautiful!"

1. I know I posted this on tumblr/twitter last night but it was so good that I need to do it again.

Join Tumblr or Kellan will eat this baby! Seriously, do it. You'll save this kids life.

2.  Join tumblr to be a good friend. You stood in my room last night talking to me and shivering. What did i do??

I gave you a hug. And thank you for not biting my neck.
Now you join tumblr to return the favor.

3.  I'm always talking about these hot pictures I saw on tumblr. Now you can see them too!

Kellan says: Come over to tumblr and you can see more, baby!

Rob says: If you join tumblr, You can come lay with me.
Plus, I won't think you girls are creepy for having pics of me all over your carport anymore.

4.  There are some batshit crazy people on tumblr. We love batshit crazies. They make life interesting in ways we can't.

Almost as crazy as Tom Cruise but not quite.

5.  Because who WOULDN'T want to look at pictures of people running through fields with balloons?


6. You love cute animals. So does tumblr.


7.  Networking. How are we going to get paid to blog one day if we don't both have tumblr?!?

If they can get paid to do nothing and be stupid, we can definitely get paid to do nothing and be awesome.

8. You're on tumblr all the time anyway, why not have an account?

No need to hide, Demanda. You can be on Tumblr all you want!

9.  Because you made me join twitter. And by "made" I mean you joined and talked about how cool it was so then I said "it sounds stupid" but you said "shut your mouth, it's not stupid! You're stupid!" and I cried in my cereal even though I don't eat cereal so I finally just decided to join. And now I love it. So you should do the same with Tumblr.

Look how happy they are! We can be that happy.


This says it all.



P.S- I know there's still some Christmas crap up on our page. I'm planning on taking it down sometime around St. Patrick's day.