Deep Thoughts by Demanda

Happy Friday everyone! Since I’m so excited about the weekend and cannot think up anything clever to say, I’m going to have to express my excitement for this weekend via Someecards

First and foremost:

Jaymes, just checking:

To all of my Twitards:

Happy Halloween hOOrs!

Ps... Have a wonderful weekend ladies. I’m thoroughly looking forward to your drunk tweets.

A Hump Day Special: Things We Want To Hump

Woooo Hoooo! Hollar for Hump Day!

Not sure what a "butt giggle" is but today is Hump Day and my butt hasn't giggled yet.

In honor of this glorious day, we've decided to let you have a glimpse into our awesome minds and share things we want to hump. This is more along the lines of things we love but you get the idea. Yesterday  we were rambling on and on about things we love and realized that this is going to have to be a weekly segment since we are apparently giant whores and want to hump way too many things to fit in one little teeny blog post.

And the first thing we want to hump is........the Men of Gossip Girl.




Our lady parts are purring.

 Many of you probably don't watch this show...  it's made for high schoolers (even though it has sex, scandal, drinking, etc.) but it's a huge guilty pleasure show. The men are beautiful, the clothes are awesome and as we mentioned already.... sex, scandals and drinking!




Yep! Our kind of show.

 We felt like we should introduce you to the hump worthy stars of our dreams favorite show. And if you watch it then you understand what we mean.

Jaymes' pick:

Ed Westwick as Chuck Bass:

The resident filthy rich bad boy

I want one.


 At first I wasn't a fan of this guy at all.  He had a darker version of Justin Bieber's weird ass hair (only flatter), wore colorful scarves with bowties and he was kind of a little bitch. But then as time went on and he showed his seduction skills, I became more of a fan and he is now hands down my favorite guy I'd like to screw male character on tv. Plus he's british in real life and in a band... two of my requirements when looking for a celebrity to picture stalk. He is number 2 on my "Men I want to hump" list right after Robert Pattinson. And that says a lot. I know there are some Twilight fan fic readers out there and if any of you have read MOTU, Chuck Bass is who I automatically think of when I think of Edward (or "fifty"...but truthfully I have no idea what that means because I haven't gotten that far in the story yet). He's rich, he's powerful, he's arrogant (but rightfully so) and he's hot as hell. He gets what he wants, when he wants because he's Chuck Bass.

Gimme. And then take me to your red room of pain and talk British to me.

Demanda's Pick:

Chace Crawford as Nate Archibald:

The sweet sexy one

I go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs for men with blue eyes. I do not know what it is but I’m drawn to them. Parents be warned, I will imprint on your child if he has blue eyes, just sayin’.  Note from Jaymes: This is true. She really will. I'm so afraid if I one day give birth to a boy with blue eyes, Demanda is going to go all "cougar" on him.

His eyes burn holes into my pants.

Before I got sucked into the black hole of The Twilight Saga , Chace used to be my number one “freebie five.” His character, Nate on Gossip Girl tends to veer towards sweet and caring. Nothing like a drop dead hottie who also gives two shits about something other than himself.

Nom nom nom

The other men of Gossip Girl definitely aren't hard on the eyes but the above men are one of the main reasons we masterbate to watch the show.  If they weren't on it, we would just be watching a bunch of girls who are prettier and richer than us fight about nothing and frankly who wants to see that?  Not us.

Ode To Literacy

Allow myself to introduce… myself, I’m Demanda and I have been missing in action since the inception of this Blogger account. I might even be more elusive than Twired Jen's sister Elusive S. You all might be wondering “where is Demanda” OR you could care less because Jaymes is such an awesome writer.


I have been cowardly hiding behind Jaymes' blogs because writing is not my fortay. I FAIL at grammar, the English language, and punctuation… epically.

Like this, only worse.

A teacher in high school once pulled me aside and asked if my essay was a joke because I excelled in his advanced biology class and the essay must have been written by someone with an I.Q of 2 (my Science teacher also taught English, P.E, Drivers Ed, Sex Ed, and was the football coach).

An excerpt from said essay.

I am mathematically and scientifically inclined. I would take any Physics or Chemistry class over kindergarten writing any day!

I applied here but was DENIED.

With that being said, I just might have to hold up my end of this Blogger bargain via videos. I recently went to Forks,Washington to hike get out of town TO MEET MY TWITARTED FAMILY! I had an amazingly wonderful time hanging out with individuals who love me unconditionally, obsessions and all. In addition to meeting my new family, I also went to Forks to find a Sparkly Vampire… success:




If the embedded video isn't working, click here.


Well, thank you for reading my first post! Feel free to contact me anytime to shoot a video for you because that shit was PER-FEC-TION!

Rambunctious on a Tuesday Night

Last night Demanda and I had some bitching and complaining to do so we thought that the best place to do this would be a classy restaurant during happy hour.



Yes it's pretty...but we ruined it

One of our favorite things to do when we are in public is make asses of ourselves people watch. And last night was an amazing time to do that.

First off we sat next to a couple who argued for 5-10 minutes whether or not they should or should not sit in front of the fire place because it was too hot. I thought about just pushing them into the fire and yelling "now your seat isn't looking as hot as you thought!" but decided against it...frankly because I didn't want to get out of my chair. They got up about 3 times to switch seats and finally moved to a different table. After discarding the thought of throwing them in the fire, I thought maybe I should say in a pleasant voice, "seriously just sit the fuck down and enjoy some drinks!" but then they started talking to us and we ended up talking about WAAASHINGTON which anyone who knows us knows that it's our new favorite place....so that was rad.



Seriously, how could you NOT love this place?!

 
We then turned our attention to the people that sat down to our other side. They were average, just having normal conversations...much better than ours which consisted of "she's gonna go to hell!" and "let's dress up incognito for Halloween and beat the shit out of her!" (for the record, don't piss us off ). Then all of the sudden I saw Demanda look at the guy at the table, give him the weirdest look and immediately reach for her phone.  I had no idea what she was doing until I received this tweet:

Demanda- @jaymes805 - what the fuck is that guy in the red shirt wearing!?!

I looked over and almost spit out my wine. Which would have been a shame because it was pretty good wine. This guy was wearing a red short sleeved polo shirt which I had noticed when he sat down, but he had added a big black bowtie and big huge black framed glasses. Probably doesn't sound that awesome and maybe you had to be there, but this was NOT at all what I expected, seeing as the glasses and bowtie came out of nowhere. After about five seconds, the girl he was with got up and left like there was a fire in her pants (I did notice #diarrhea was trending on twitter yesterday so maybe she was the one who started it). Demanda said she heard the girl say she was leaving because she couldn't be seen with him in that outfit but I'm not so sure. He then asked the server if he could "transition to the bar" and that was the last we saw of him.

Next up there was a group of foreign people sitting behind Demanda. I wasn't sure where they were from but the guy was licking a lime from his drink like it was a vagina, no joke. I felt like I was watching some bad 80's porn because during his lime licking, he was staring creepingly (is that even a word? it is now!) at the girl sitting next to him. I almost expected her to say some bad acting line and start doing him at the table but nope! She didn't notice the guy loving his lime but then again, if a guy was doing that while staring at me, I'd pretend not to notice either. This would have been so much better if he had a mustache that curled up at the sides but he didn't.



Jackpot!


Eventually they left, she probably ran down the street as fast as she could and he probably hopped in his creeper van to drive after her. Demanda and I went back to our normal conversation about her weird dreams which I can't explain here but let's just say they made me need to go to the bathroom because I had mascara running all down my face. Which isn't a pretty look for me. Or anyone. Probably.

After a few glasses of wine and some yum appetizers (thanks Demanda!) we ventured off downtown to look for a birthday present for Demanda's boyfriend's 30th Birthday. We wandered around and couldn't find much....until we came upon these. And that's when we stopped caring about whats-his-face's birthday gift and started caring about ourselves. Which, let's face it....is always the most important thing.



I need this Eeyore hat like NOW.

She's a cat. She's a kitty cat.



True Story!

If I had one, I'd love it. Probably.

Sneaky Racoon

It's a fucking penguin!

Get'em!

I'm a bachelorette! My hat says so.

After our little hat-a-thon, we decided to venture home. But then walked back to a bar because we wanted to drink more. Then half way there decided to go home. Where we had no electricity because someone at PG&E decided we don't need do do anything productive (by productive, I mean TiVo.) We called them but they wouldn't be able to get out to our house until the next business day so we decided to occupy our time by doing this:



Jealous?

Life Lessons From Demanda On Her Bday!

Yeah, f'ing sexy.

So today is my platonic life partner's last twenty something birthday (for the slooow readers out there, this means she's twenty nine).  For those of you who know us, you get how we are. But people who don't REEEALLY know us outside of blogs/twitter/fb don't know the story behind our weird ass friendship.



Manda and I have been friends since 7th grade when I met her hanging out by my cheerleading practice. She was wearing tennis shoes with no socks, yellow jean shorts and a black shirt. My first thought was she's got some awesome style that this girl looked like a mix between Sandra Bullock and Gabby Hoffman when she was in Now and Then (if you havent seen it, you really should. Cute movie.) Amanda was loud and had more energy than a 8 year old hopped up on soda and candy but she was sweet and sarcastic...my two favorite things in a friend. She was also kinda ghetto but I guess that comes from growing up in Oakland. We became friends fast within our little group known by teacher's as "Ladies of the Club" and we spend our 8th grade year doing makeup in class instead of homework.  High school flew by fast and we remained friends throughout sports, boyfriends, cliques and everything else. After graduating we decided to move away to a little coastal town where a lot of kids from our high school ventured off to college. Since then we've had some wacky unreal experiences that often make us think "did that JUST happen?!" because they usually include some random stuff that no one would ever believe unless they were there. We've lived together off and on since college, usually seperating every few years or so for a very short period of time but then always moving back in together. Our parents often joke we should just get married...which would be cool and all if we didn't like penis. But that's kind of a deal breaker, ya know?









We do make a good heterosexual couple.

 
Well enough rambling. That was me telling you our little history. Now for the fun part. Last year on Amanda's bday, I wrote on her facebook page  "28 Things I'm hoping she's learned in life." This year I've decided to change it up. So here it goes.

29 things I've learned from Amanda


With Vitamin R comes wisdom



Note: Some of these are inside jokes so I've tried to explain as much as possible. And some just can't be explained so you'll just have to pretend to get it.

1.  A "green card" is off-white.

    Explanation- Amanda googled this one day because these are the kinds of things we talk about when there's nothing else to talk about. We never run out of conversation topics. For reals.

2.  If you fall down the stairs, you usually don’t have to announce it...people probably heard you.

      Explanation- One day Amanda and her mom were standing in the kitchen which is RIGHT next to the stairs in our condo. I walked out of the kitchen and she claimed she heard "crash, boom, tumble, crash, boom!" and then silence. Then I announced " I JUST FELL DOWN THE STAIRS!!!" to which Amanda replied "No shit!"

3.  In the song "Bills Bills Bills" by Destiny's Child, Beyonce does NOT say she wants to break her knee so she can't move.

     Explanation- I thought those were the lyrics. Discovered they were not when Amanda busted out laughing at me while singing (or maybe it was just because I have the voice of a dying bird). Apparently the lyrics are "break my lease so I can move". I think breaking her knee is a better idea. But that's just my opinion.

4.  (This is more like a story than a lesson but I feel like I need to share it anyway) "I was born on October 18th, 1981 in Oakland, CA. The doctor was a headless man who had a punkin as a head. And he rode around on a horsie. Then he had long hair on his punkin head and it hung out the window so someone tried to climb up it all the time but couldnt so they just brushed it all day long. And then we heard a gun shot and saw a bunch of deer."
     Explanation- I LOVE the show Lost. Love love love it. Amanda doesn't. So anytime it was on, she would start telling me random stories to try and distract me from the show. This was her first and most amazing story yet. Still makes me cry tears of laughter everytime I read it.



5.  Always ask Jesus what's new with him when praying. Because he may want to talk about himself for once.



6.  Don't put glitter makeup on after drinking. Ever.



7.  People really CAN be friends for a zillion years and never get in a fight.  (This is true. We've fought like 3 times. Once over food, once over the fact that Barnes and Noble isn't called "Barnes and NobleS" and car keys. All of these fights lasted less than 5 minutes.)



8.  Calamari is squid. (I didn't know this. Amanda did.)



9.  A garbage disposal is actually called "sink eater".


10. The word "absurd" is actually a feeling meaning floored, stunned, shocked, etc. Example- "I am Absurd!"- Amanda


11. A person is not "misunderstood". They are "un-understood." True story.


12.  When you drink tequila, you become tequila. Example: "I am tequila!" - Amanda


13.  An airplane is actually better referred to as "bird of death".


14. "Pulling your finger" is the same as "twisting your arm".


15. Throwing Mardi Gras beads at  your roomates head is a good way to wake them up in the morning (I disagree but maybe that's because I have brain injuries from getting woken up by being whipped in the skull.)


16. Wigs are fun.

17.  If you eat a chocolate croissants, make sure to check the mirror when you're finished. Otherwise people will NOT tell you you look like you just got a dirty sanchez but instead, make you come to this realization 20 minutes after being out in public.


18. If you spray shaving cream all over someone's ceiling when drunk, blame it on someone else. In fact anything in life that you get caught doing, you should blame on someone else. (This last part was not something Amanda taught me but something we learned from others.)


19.  If you are going to take shots on new years eve, make sure they aren't double shots and make sure there aren't 11 of them....in a time span of 10 minutes. FAIL!


20. If you ever have a ghost that attacks your bedroom at night, just put up a note like this and it will leave peacefully.


If you watch The Office, you'll get it. If not...it's still cute, right?...RIGHT?!?

 21.  In every refrigerator, there must be a shelf labeled "Stuff we put on things".


22. Math school is a REAL school. Below is the convo where Amanda helped me come to this realization:
   Amanda- "Man, we've been out of high school for almost 10 years. We're old as dirt!"
   Jamie- "Um, pretty sure dirt is older than 10 years."
   Amanda- "We're older than 10 Jamie. You need to go back to Math School."
   Jamie- "Math school? You say that like its a real school."


23.  You can tell the cops you murdered someone. They will let you go but they probably won't think it's as funny as you do.
        Explanation:  One night, a block from our house, Amanda went out to have a drink. Less than an hour later, she called me to come pick her up. When I picked her up, she told me how a cop pulled her over for walking home drunk and asked for her licesne. When she gave it to him, she joked "I sure hope my murder conviction doesn't come up!" Yeahhhh....she's a genuis! :)


24. Anyone can pull off an afro and a 'stache!

Pulling. It. Off.

25. People shouldn't bring babies on planes. They should just ship them to their location instead. Apparently.


26.  Always keep a spare sock in your car. You never know when you might have an accident such as melted eye liner...or having to potty.


27.  If your theme song is "Shots" by Lil Jon...you'll be hating life the next day. Big time.


28.  If you don't know what something is, call it a mermaid.  To understand this, watch this Twilight parody. Hilarious. And you'll never look at Alice in the baseball scene the same.


29.  Always, ALWAYS over-celebrate your birthday!!


Well, that's it. Hope you have an AMAZING birthday Amanda and thank you for being SUCH an amazing friend throughout this insane life. Love you tons!

FOOOOOOOOORKS UPDATES SOON!

We went to the promise land and it was fan effing tastic! More updates to come but we've been traveling non-stop so we need some beauty sleep before we write (trust us, we look naaaasty!).

This is where we went.....

...and this is what we look like from lack of sleep.

We traveled, conquered our fears of planes/nature, met some AMAZING people and had an all around awesome time. Stay tuned for some sweet updates!