Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Life Lessons From Demanda On Her Bday!

Yeah, f'ing sexy.

So today is my platonic life partner's last twenty something birthday (for the slooow readers out there, this means she's twenty nine).  For those of you who know us, you get how we are. But people who don't REEEALLY know us outside of blogs/twitter/fb don't know the story behind our weird ass friendship.

Manda and I have been friends since 7th grade when I met her hanging out by my cheerleading practice. She was wearing tennis shoes with no socks, yellow jean shorts and a black shirt. My first thought was she's got some awesome style that this girl looked like a mix between Sandra Bullock and Gabby Hoffman when she was in Now and Then (if you havent seen it, you really should. Cute movie.) Amanda was loud and had more energy than a 8 year old hopped up on soda and candy but she was sweet and two favorite things in a friend. She was also kinda ghetto but I guess that comes from growing up in Oakland. We became friends fast within our little group known by teacher's as "Ladies of the Club" and we spend our 8th grade year doing makeup in class instead of homework.  High school flew by fast and we remained friends throughout sports, boyfriends, cliques and everything else. After graduating we decided to move away to a little coastal town where a lot of kids from our high school ventured off to college. Since then we've had some wacky unreal experiences that often make us think "did that JUST happen?!" because they usually include some random stuff that no one would ever believe unless they were there. We've lived together off and on since college, usually seperating every few years or so for a very short period of time but then always moving back in together. Our parents often joke we should just get married...which would be cool and all if we didn't like penis. But that's kind of a deal breaker, ya know?

We do make a good heterosexual couple.
Well enough rambling. That was me telling you our little history. Now for the fun part. Last year on Amanda's bday, I wrote on her facebook page  "28 Things I'm hoping she's learned in life." This year I've decided to change it up. So here it goes.

29 things I've learned from Amanda

With Vitamin R comes wisdom

Note: Some of these are inside jokes so I've tried to explain as much as possible. And some just can't be explained so you'll just have to pretend to get it.

1.  A "green card" is off-white.
    Explanation- Amanda googled this one day because these are the kinds of things we talk about when there's nothing else to talk about. We never run out of conversation topics. For reals.

2.  If you fall down the stairs, you usually don’t have to announce it...people probably heard you.
      Explanation- One day Amanda and her mom were standing in the kitchen which is RIGHT next to the stairs in our condo. I walked out of the kitchen and she claimed she heard "crash, boom, tumble, crash, boom!" and then silence. Then I announced " I JUST FELL DOWN THE STAIRS!!!" to which Amanda replied "No shit!"

3.  In the song "Bills Bills Bills" by Destiny's Child, Beyonce does NOT say she wants to break her knee so she can't move.
     Explanation- I thought those were the lyrics. Discovered they were not when Amanda busted out laughing at me while singing (or maybe it was just because I have the voice of a dying bird). Apparently the lyrics are "break my lease so I can move". I think breaking her knee is a better idea. But that's just my opinion.

4.  (This is more like a story than a lesson but I feel like I need to share it anyway) "I was born on October 18th, 1981 in Oakland, CA. The doctor was a headless man who had a punkin as a head. And he rode around on a horsie. Then he had long hair on his punkin head and it hung out the window so someone tried to climb up it all the time but couldnt so they just brushed it all day long. And then we heard a gun shot and saw a bunch of deer."
     Explanation- I LOVE the show Lost. Love love love it. Amanda doesn't. So anytime it was on, she would start telling me random stories to try and distract me from the show. This was her first and most amazing story yet. Still makes me cry tears of laughter everytime I read it.

5.  Always ask Jesus what's new with him when praying. Because he may want to talk about himself for once.

6.  Don't put glitter makeup on after drinking. Ever.

7.  People really CAN be friends for a zillion years and never get in a fight.  (This is true. We've fought like 3 times. Once over food, once over the fact that Barnes and Noble isn't called "Barnes and NobleS" and car keys. All of these fights lasted less than 5 minutes.)

8.  Calamari is squid. (I didn't know this. Amanda did.)

9.  A garbage disposal is actually called "sink eater".

10. The word "absurd" is actually a feeling meaning floored, stunned, shocked, etc. Example- "I am Absurd!"- Amanda

11. A person is not "misunderstood". They are "un-understood." True story.

12.  When you drink tequila, you become tequila. Example: "I am tequila!" - Amanda

13.  An airplane is actually better referred to as "bird of death".

14. "Pulling your finger" is the same as "twisting your arm".

15. Throwing Mardi Gras beads at  your roomates head is a good way to wake them up in the morning (I disagree but maybe that's because I have brain injuries from getting woken up by being whipped in the skull.)

16. Wigs are fun.

17.  If you eat a chocolate croissants, make sure to check the mirror when you're finished. Otherwise people will NOT tell you you look like you just got a dirty sanchez but instead, make you come to this realization 20 minutes after being out in public.

18. If you spray shaving cream all over someone's ceiling when drunk, blame it on someone else. In fact anything in life that you get caught doing, you should blame on someone else. (This last part was not something Amanda taught me but something we learned from others.)

19.  If you are going to take shots on new years eve, make sure they aren't double shots and make sure there aren't 11 of a time span of 10 minutes. FAIL!

20. If you ever have a ghost that attacks your bedroom at night, just put up a note like this and it will leave peacefully.

If you watch The Office, you'll get it. If's still cute, right?...RIGHT?!?
 21.  In every refrigerator, there must be a shelf labeled "Stuff we put on things".

22. Math school is a REAL school. Below is the convo where Amanda helped me come to this realization:
   Amanda- "Man, we've been out of high school for almost 10 years. We're old as dirt!"
   Jamie- "Um, pretty sure dirt is older than 10 years."
   Amanda- "We're older than 10 Jamie. You need to go back to Math School."
   Jamie- "Math school? You say that like its a real school."

23.  You can tell the cops you murdered someone. They will let you go but they probably won't think it's as funny as you do.
        Explanation:  One night, a block from our house, Amanda went out to have a drink. Less than an hour later, she called me to come pick her up. When I picked her up, she told me how a cop pulled her over for walking home drunk and asked for her licesne. When she gave it to him, she joked "I sure hope my murder conviction doesn't come up!" Yeahhhh....she's a genuis! :)

24. Anyone can pull off an afro and a 'stache!

Pulling. It. Off.

25. People shouldn't bring babies on planes. They should just ship them to their location instead. Apparently.

26.  Always keep a spare sock in your car. You never know when you might have an accident such as melted eye liner...or having to potty.

27.  If your theme song is "Shots" by Lil'll be hating life the next day. Big time.

28.  If you don't know what something is, call it a mermaid.  To understand this, watch this Twilight parody. Hilarious. And you'll never look at Alice in the baseball scene the same.

29.  Always, ALWAYS over-celebrate your birthday!!

Well, that's it. Hope you have an AMAZING birthday Amanda and thank you for being SUCH an amazing friend throughout this insane life. Love you tons!


DaisyDarkside said...


Demanda said...

Daisy.. how excited are you??!! You made this post... ;)