Celebrating NaBloPoMo With Some Holiday Cheer!

Wow....so November 30th! You know what that means? It means we just succeeded in completing NaBloPoMo! 30 posts in 30 days woo hooooo!

True story but it's still a little like a fuzzy hug.

Sadly, I didn't complete NaNoWriMo because of computer problems, health issues, and a lot more excuses that I don't care to explain but that you probably know about if you've been following our blog for the last month. But congrats to all of our peeps who did finish!!! We're so proud of you! I'd list all of you here but I'm afraid I'd leave someone out so I'm just gonna say "Yay you!!!" because you know who you are.

So I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little drunk right now. Demanda and I went for celebratory drinks after work (at least that's what I'm calling them...any excuse to head to the wine bar, right??) and ended up having more than three one. Then some random people bought us dinner... not quite sure who they were but if they happen to stumble across this blog, THANK YOU!!! It was amazing.

Because December is now on the horizon, we can really get into the Christmas spirit (ya know, after I rest for a few days because frankly, this blogging for 30 days straight is f'ing exhausting!). And what better way to get into the Christmas spirit than some awesome awkward Christmas photos?! I know, I'm excited too, trust me.

These pictures aren't just awkward...they're pure awesome. I know when you look at them your first thoughts are going to be "Megan's Law" and "Dudes, where's your van?" but really.... these guys rock. We're proud to admit that we've known them most of our lives. I went to kindergarten with one, met the other two in second grade and we have known and loved them ever since. They all grew out 'staches for No Shave November or "Movember" which Miss Tejota blogged about a while back. And because they just have phenomenal christmas spirit, they decided to get these photos taken for all to enjoy. I hear through the grapevine (AKA text message) that they are getting a calendar printed out and making a youtube vid. So we'll definitely keep you updated!

So without further ado, I present to you... our hometown boys!

Ladies and Gents, one of these men may teach your child someday.
And the other two will probably serve them alcohol.

"Leotards make everything look better" - DM (the man in the middle)

Christmas morning never looked so creepy awesome. 

Don't even want to know what you guys are pointing at... or do I??

Santa writes porn too... you can tell by the facial expressions! 

Ace and Gary three way..holiday style! 

HAPPY HOLIDAYS! 

I have to admit when I saw these, I cried laughing. They are hands down the most phenomenal holiday pictures I've ever seen and I'm not just saying that because I know these guys. Hell, they don't even know about our blog so I could probably say whatever I want about them but the truth is, they are pure hilariousness (is that even a word? It is now!).  For the record, they're very good looking guys normally and not creepy at all.

See? Handsome! 

I hope you all enjoyed our last post of NaBloPoMo and that this last month hasn't bored you to tears. We're going to take a few days off possibly but we'll then be back less stressed and as borderline phenomenal as ever! :)

Happy Holidays

-Jaymes

Dream on

Last night I was super stoked to be sleeping all cozy and warm in my own bed for the first time since last Tuesday. I know that probably makes me sound like a huge h00r but in actuality if you've read previous blog posts, you'd know that I wasn't bed hopping with a ton of men but was at my parents for the best holiday in the universe.

According to Google, this is the best holiday in the universe.
 Didn't know Fish & Chips was a holiday

As I got snuggled down in my bed, I realized I wasn't comfy nor was I warm. I struggled to sleep all night long but kept getting woken up by 3 things: bad dreams, the fact that I had to pee every 5 minutes and these bitches...

They're the devil...if the devil was furry and cute. We will blog about them at a later date. 

I'm completely used to having bad dreams because when I watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre, I had nightmares for over a year. Also, I've suffered from something called Hypnagogic Hallucinations for about 9 years now and they're f'ing terrifying. If you don't know what they are, google it. 

Like this only less funny and without the prozac

I've learned to deal with it throughout the years even though it still scares the shit out of me when I wake up seeing crap that isn't there. Frankly, I'm surprised I'm not a bed wetter. I just blink a few times, turn on the light and everything is back to normal. Aside from that, watching scary movies or talking about scary movies gives me nightmares as well so I have to stear clear of them. 


Anyway, last night I was watching some cheesy Christmas movie on Lifetime and there was a commercial for an original Lifetime movie about The Craigslist Killer. Seriously, I know you're going to think I'm a pussy but I had a nightmare about it last night. I don't remember  most of the dream but I do remember that he looked nothing like the actual Craigslist Killer. I didn't really figure out who he looked like until I was talking to LivingWEdward over on twitter today and she hit it dead on (no pun intended). 

Actual bad guy.

Dream bad guy..but with slicked back hair and a 'stache.

So LWE and I were talking about my dream which then it turned into David Hasselhoff being a killer in Forks and it got me thinking. (weird, I know. Shut up.) All the killers in Twilight are pretty hot. None of them look like the Hoff in a 'stache. Why couldn't THEY have been the bad guy in my dream??

You may have a greasy pony and look like you smell farts a lot but invade my dreams, PLEASE! 

Quick, change your ugly ass outfit and hop on over to my sleepy time! 

Too much botox but I'd still take you over the Hoff.

Hey Victoria, visit my dream so I can shave your head and make myself a wig!
(It's my dream, I'll do what I want)

I don't know what tonight holds in the dream/nightmare department but hopefully it's something a little better than last night. It would be nice if it held a certain other Twilight vampire...and even though I've already had that dream, one can only dream again. And that's what I'll do! 


Good night and sweet dreams,


-Jaymes 

It's Short (that's what she said)

Today I drove back from my parents house which is where I spent Thanksgiving.

They live near here.

We live here. 

You'd think driving from the mountains to the sea (why do I feel like I'm singing a song) would be a pretty drive...and it was, for about 20 minutes. I guess when you're used to seeing something so much, you take it for granted. But for reals, most of the drive looked somewhat like Texas Chainsaw Massacreville except there were lots of semi trucks and no one was trying to kill me. That I know of.

Needless to say, the day wasn't action packed. I drove, came home, unpacked and now I'm exhausted. Tomorrow is another day back to the grind and hopefully I'll have something more exciting to blog about other than "this is what I did today, now I'm too lazy tired to write anything of value." As for tonight, I'm going to climb into my bed, read and passss out!

-Jaymes

Books and Food

Wow...I really can't believe we've blogged 27 days in a row. It feels like just yesterday we were thinking "what the hell are we going to blog about every single day for 30 days?!?!" but we came up with stuff. Granted it wasn't all great...or even good. But it worked! And now only three more days and I can take a break (but only for a day or so because I know you'd all miss us terribly if we left you for longer than that).

Tonight I have nothing interesting to say. I'm cooking two of my favorite foods right now (yes, they are Thanksgiving food...I'm still not sick of it!) so I'm having to make this quick and also I'm in the middle of reading the second book in The Hunger Games trilogy. If you haven't read them, punch yourself immediately and go pick up these books ASAP!!

They are phenomenal to the max. I didn't think they would be my cup of coffee (I know the saying is tea but I'm not a fan) but I can't put them down. If you haven't heard of them, you can read a lil review here over at Twitarded by Jenny Jerkface. But be careful reading the comments, there may be a few spoilers.

I'd write more but my food timer is beeping loudly at me and I don't want to ruin Thanksgiving #3. Hope you're having a lovely weekend. And if you're not, just remember... a week from today, you can watch this!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!

-Jaymes

Hell No to Black Friday

I seriously had no idea why this was called black Friday. I was thinking it was because people are still blacked out from their alcohol consumption on Thanksgiving. Or that they were blacked out in a food coma. Or perhaps it's because it's still dark outside when people go on their crazy shopping sprees at 3am. Apparently it's none of these. "Black Friday" indicates a period during which retailers are turning a profit or "in the black."  There's a nice little fun fact for this post-turkey day while everyone lays around regretting everything they ate in the last 24 hours.

I know I already posted this picture but it's THAT good. 

I don't know about you, but the day after Thanksgiving is meant for lounging around the house in PJ's for as long as possible while snacking on leftovers and not doing a damn thing except spending some time reading and self loathing while promising yourself you'll go to the gym as soon as this week is over. At least that's how I spent my day. No WAY am I going outside in the 30 degree weather to battle some pyscho shopper for a blu-ray player that is 50% off.  Plus where our parents live you have to drive at least 40 minutes to get to any good stores. They live somewhere resembling this place, minus the stop light.

I seriously miss this place...and I know you all do too! 

So if any of you are insane enough to have woken up way prior to the buttcrack of dawn to shop, when you should have been waking up to go pee instead of go spend money, I solute you. I think you're a freak... but nonetheless, I hope you make it out alive and unharmed with a bag of goodies. Hopefully there's something in there for me... but if not, there's always next year.

Now I'm off to mentally prepare myself for my second Thanksgiving dinner at a family friend's house...and then my third Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow night at my mom's. Hopefully I'm still able to blog after all of this but I might not be able to, due to the fact that my fingers will become the size of turkey legs. Hope everyone is having a fabulous holiday week.

-Jaymes

Best Day Ever

Happy Jayme's Day!!!! Yes, I know I should only say that when it's my birthday and believe me, I do. BUT today is kind of like a birthday. It's Thanksgiving's Birthday. I wake up feeling all giddy that Thanksgiving is another year older and at the end of the day, I feel like I need to give birth.

Because no one is around to read blogs today, we just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving... we are really so thankful for all of you. You put a smile on our faces more often than not and laughter in our bellies on a regular basis. I hope everyone has an amazing day. Love you all so very much!!!

Me and Daisy Darkface 

Daisy & Demanda. No idea why Daisy's always the Hunter. 

Phenomenal.

- Jaymes 

Things We Want to Hump: Demanda Edition

This might come as a shock all our fabulous readers; I have a massive female boner for Kellan Lutz. Let me break down my obsession.

1.       Blue Eyes: I have an unhealthy fetish with men who have blue eyes. I will imprint on any male with blue peepers.  They make me moist in my bad place.

I'm drooling.

2.      Large Packages: Holy Batman, this guy is packing some serious heat. I will be severely disappointed if that is a sock.

I have no words.

3.      Abs: Who the fu@% does not like ABS? On a scale of 1-10, Kellan, is roughly a 1,585,239.

Yummmmmmmmmmmmy.

4.      Personality: It’s kind of irrelevant but I thought I should throw it out there. He has one and it is endearing. He tweets all day long trying to gain awareness for many charities…

He could be telling me to adopt bags of poop and I'd still buy! 

5.      Do I really need to say anything else? Enjoy!!

It's almost Christmas and I spy a package! 

Those Eyes! Those dimples! Those Hands! Gimme! 

Take it OFF! 

I would write more but my chair has turned into a slip-n-slide. Happy Hump Day hOOrs.

Thanksgiving Travels

I was going to write a nice thoughtful (and sarcastic because, let's face it, it's my style) blog tonight about how I hope everyone is careful if they're traveling this week/weekend for Turkey Day. BUT some jerkface (not Jenny) rear ended me on the way home from work tonight on the freeway, decided to park way up the road on the other side of three lanes and stand there looking at his car for 20 minutes so I didn't get any of his info. Now I have a bad case of whiplash and pissy pants syndrome so I'm cutting this bitch short.

Please. 

Thanksgiving Tips From A Pro

Holy craps, it's Thanksgiving week already??!?!!? SQUEEEEEEEEE!!!

True story! 

Can you tell I'm a little excited? I'm trying to play it cool, believe me. But every time I see turkey and leaf decorations in the grocery store/drug store/any store I have to put my hands deep in my pockets to stop myself from throwing my arms in the air and screaming like someone who just won the lotto. It's that bad kids!

I think my love for Thanksgiving started somewhere around 7th grade. I remember walking to one of our math classes with my friend Nicole and I told her I couldn't wait for Thanksgiving. She asked why (since it was like September and that's a random thing for someone to say) and I told her because I was really hungry. Since then my craving has not let up.. I could eat Thanksgiving food all day every day. Thank God I don't though, otherwise I'd probably have a lot of health problems. Or at least more than I already do since I'm probably one step away from being bubble boy (or I guess two steps since I don't have a penis.)

Since I'm pretty much a Pro Thanksgiving haver-er, I've decided to give our lovely readers a few tips for surviving this holiday.


1.  Do NOT under any circumstances, wear jeans. Why, you ask? Because they have no give. True story, even Joey on Friends made sure to wear Phoebe's maternity pants because jeans are too constricting. If you must wear pants with a button, make sure you wear a belt that can be loosened dramatically. But your best bet for comfort is sweats or some nice stretchy leggings. Maybe a skirt but it's probably freezing balls outside so not the best idea.

He knows what's up. 

2. Take naps in between meals. If you have to go to more than one Thanksgiving dinner because of step families or in-laws, make sure to take a little power nap before you head out to the next one. Trust me, you'll thank me later. It's no fun sitting down at your second Thanksgiving only to realize you're three seconds away from your head floating in a bowl of gravy while you snore during grace.

It's what we do. You should too. 

3. Try not to get too hammered before dinner. I know it's hard to do...you're cooking and/or watching football all day but when it comes time to eat, who would want to forget a day completely devoted to food?? I'm pretty sure you don't wanna slave over dinner all day only to drink so much that you black out and end up not actually digesting all of that yummy goodness.

Don't let this be you. Not holiday appropriate. 

4.  Don't eat too much of one thing. Ever hear that saying "there's never too much of a good thing?" K not really sure that's how it goes but this is 50% my blog so I can say whatever I want and you have to nod along with me. And if you don't agree well I'll never know because I'm here and you're there. Unless you write it in the comments. But please don't since then I'll have to go in and edit this blog all for one little saying that I got wrong. Plus it's Thanksgiving time and you wouldn't want to upset me on my favorite holiday, would you? That's what I thought.

So back on subject. Make sure to get a little bit of everything on your plate (except for cranberry sauce, that crap is gross). If you stick to just a ton of turkey and a teeny bit of mashed potatoes then you'll get full on turkey and be like "yo, I still want to get my mashed potato on but my belly is full and I have no room. It's a good thing I wore stretchy pants like Jaymes suggested but still no room for any potatoes..mashed or otherwise. What do I do?? I should have listened and had equal amounts of everythiiiiiing!"

Nom Nom Nom. 

5. Don't make out with anyone at your Thanksgiving. They might be related to you.
Please note: This has never happened to me, I just don't want it to happen to you. It would be a shame.

So what's your advice? Please add any tips you may have for surviving this awesome day in the comment section below.

Hope you all have a borderline phenomenal Thanksgiving!!!

Winos and Wigos

One of the things you may or may not know about us is that we love to drink wine. I know, shocking right?? Demanda is strictly a red wine drinker and I used to only drink white. When we lived in San Diego, Demanda used to come home and have a glass of red every night..she said it was "for her health" or something like that.,which was funny because that's the same reason I was drinking vodka.  I decided that I would try REALLY hard to start liking red and maybe if I had a glass a night ya know, "for my health" I'd start loving it too. Well after the first night a few weeks, I fell in love with it and I've never looked back. Except on occasion I'll have some white wine..but usually just when going wine tasting...because hello, you don't wanna waste it!

Speaking of wine tasting.. ever been? There are two (maybe more but I'm not expert) amazing places to go wine tasting in California. The first being Napa of course but the second is the Central Coast, mainly Paso Robles. Lucky for us...we live extremely close to Paso.

I know it's hard to read but those are all wineries. 

If you've never been wine tasting, we highly suggest you stop reading this post and go ASAP (just kidding, keep ready and then go). If you have gone, you know what an awesome time it is. A few years ago we rented a huge limo and got a bunch of friends together to hit up 4 wineries or so for my birthday in February, Demanda's Birthday in October and Daisy Darkside's Birthday in April. It was one of the best birthday's I've ever had. We finished ten a bunch of bottles of champagne on the way up there in the limo and hit up a few of our favorite wineries. If you ever make it to the Central Coast, please go visit these places...you won't regret it.

Tobin James


This winery is usually our first stop. They have awesome wine and even better champagne. Demanda loves their champagne so much that she named her kitty cat "Tobin" (he's an actor now...you can see him on that PetMeds commercial with Betty White..she stole him.). This is also the name of my UPS driver at work... he's never said anything but I'm guessing he was conceived after a good bottle of red.  The Tobin James champagne has earned the nickname "Sure F**k" because when drinking it, you'll think you're the sexiest person on the planet. Total self esteem booster.

If you ever see this, BUY IT! You'll be glad you did. 

We have this gift known as "Champagne Wizardry".. if we all go to weddings or parties, we'll somehow magically find the bottles of this stuff like they just appeared out of thin air. People have learned enough about us to know that if this champagne or wine is near, we're happy campers.

Update:  Our friend Daisy Darkside created a little poem to go with this winery.

ODE To Tobin:

You have a special bond with us
Your bubbles tickle like a mustache
At weddings you give waiters exersice bc they have to constantly run back and forth to pour us more...until they finally give up all hope that the other guests will ever get served and just leave the whole bottle of you on the table
You make us "that table" but we politely sit in the back of the room patiently waiting for everyone else to lighten up, then you help us be the "life of the party"
You magically appear, sometimes two at a time in Jaymes hands
You sometimes make me yell at 13 year old gingers hitting on Demandas boyfriend
You are like a fuzzy hug, and even though sometimes you make me fall off barstools, you always bring my heart warmth and excitement everytime I open up my champagne holder (aka fridge) and see you looking back at me, waiting for the day you are once again in my belly

-Daisy


Clautiere


This winery is phenomenal. Not borderline...but all the way. Not only is their wine awesome but if you make this your second or third stop you're guaranteed to have an excellent time. The reason it isn't a good place to go for your first winery because it's way more fun to visit if you're buzzed or drunk. Because really, who wants to play dress up when they're sober??

Badass.

Yep, this winery has wigs and hats to play drunken dress up with. Everything is cleaned regularly so you're not all wearin someone else's dirty hair but it's SO much fun and way more so if you remember to bring a camera to capture all the memories you'll forget the next day.

Like this. Demanda forgot she wore pubes on her face.

Along with wigs and hats, they also have a sweet mirror room, which we didn't get to go into until Daisy Darkside's birthday. And I laughed so hard that mascara got in my eyes and I couldn't stop crying. It was like herpes of the eyeball and I swear someone poured bleach in my eyes when I wasn't looking. I don't suggest shimmery mascara. It doesn't look any different and it hurts like a mother effer.

Warning: you will cry when entering this room.

I really can't explain how fun this place is unless you've been there or have a room full of wigs and mirrors at home. It's epic..and it gets better every time we go. Some of the wigs are awesome but some are just plain ridiculous.

Jackson's so silly. He tried on the most outrageous wig of all. 

I really hope for your sake that you're able to take a trip to the Central Coast and visit this winery. It's a stellar time, yo. If I haven't convinced you yet, I'll leave you with a few more images that will hopefully lure you in the right direction.

Manly men.

That brunette wig is CRAZY. 

Meow! 

Jealous? You should be. 

Although they weren't drinking, they still had the funniest wigs in the whole place.