Monday, November 22, 2010

Thanksgiving Tips From A Pro

Holy craps, it's Thanksgiving week already??!?!!? SQUEEEEEEEEE!!!

True story! 

Can you tell I'm a little excited? I'm trying to play it cool, believe me. But every time I see turkey and leaf decorations in the grocery store/drug store/any store I have to put my hands deep in my pockets to stop myself from throwing my arms in the air and screaming like someone who just won the lotto. It's that bad kids!

I think my love for Thanksgiving started somewhere around 7th grade. I remember walking to one of our math classes with my friend Nicole and I told her I couldn't wait for Thanksgiving. She asked why (since it was like September and that's a random thing for someone to say) and I told her because I was really hungry. Since then my craving has not let up.. I could eat Thanksgiving food all day every day. Thank God I don't though, otherwise I'd probably have a lot of health problems. Or at least more than I already do since I'm probably one step away from being bubble boy (or I guess two steps since I don't have a penis.)

Since I'm pretty much a Pro Thanksgiving haver-er, I've decided to give our lovely readers a few tips for surviving this holiday.

1.  Do NOT under any circumstances, wear jeans. Why, you ask? Because they have no give. True story, even Joey on Friends made sure to wear Phoebe's maternity pants because jeans are too constricting. If you must wear pants with a button, make sure you wear a belt that can be loosened dramatically. But your best bet for comfort is sweats or some nice stretchy leggings. Maybe a skirt but it's probably freezing balls outside so not the best idea.

He knows what's up. 

2. Take naps in between meals. If you have to go to more than one Thanksgiving dinner because of step families or in-laws, make sure to take a little power nap before you head out to the next one. Trust me, you'll thank me later. It's no fun sitting down at your second Thanksgiving only to realize you're three seconds away from your head floating in a bowl of gravy while you snore during grace.

It's what we do. You should too. 

3. Try not to get too hammered before dinner. I know it's hard to're cooking and/or watching football all day but when it comes time to eat, who would want to forget a day completely devoted to food?? I'm pretty sure you don't wanna slave over dinner all day only to drink so much that you black out and end up not actually digesting all of that yummy goodness.

Don't let this be you. Not holiday appropriate. 

4.  Don't eat too much of one thing. Ever hear that saying "there's never too much of a good thing?" K not really sure that's how it goes but this is 50% my blog so I can say whatever I want and you have to nod along with me. And if you don't agree well I'll never know because I'm here and you're there. Unless you write it in the comments. But please don't since then I'll have to go in and edit this blog all for one little saying that I got wrong. Plus it's Thanksgiving time and you wouldn't want to upset me on my favorite holiday, would you? That's what I thought.

So back on subject. Make sure to get a little bit of everything on your plate (except for cranberry sauce, that crap is gross). If you stick to just a ton of turkey and a teeny bit of mashed potatoes then you'll get full on turkey and be like "yo, I still want to get my mashed potato on but my belly is full and I have no room. It's a good thing I wore stretchy pants like Jaymes suggested but still no room for any potatoes..mashed or otherwise. What do I do?? I should have listened and had equal amounts of everythiiiiiing!"

Nom Nom Nom. 

5. Don't make out with anyone at your Thanksgiving. They might be related to you.
Please note: This has never happened to me, I just don't want it to happen to you. It would be a shame.

So what's your advice? Please add any tips you may have for surviving this awesome day in the comment section below.

Hope you all have a borderline phenomenal Thanksgiving!!!


Anonymous said...

OOH! I've got one...
Don't argue with your sister while she's cutting the turkey, because she's holding a knife.
Wait till she's sitting at the table before you make her cry.

Charla said...


I like to do it Roman-style.... binge, purge, binge, purge! Bwahahah! I keed, I keed.

Jaymes805 said...

Ha wow Mrs. P, I'm taking it that advice is based off experience :)

Thank you for your tips.. I will take them in to consideration. :) I hope you both have a fabulous holiday!! <3 yoooou.

DaisyDarkside said...

I am going to go ahead and challenge you on #3...As you know I am not a fan on your favorite holiday (but think of it this way, more food for you) I am however a big advicate for drinking. A LOT! And it's not like I just drink my whole dinner...I eat the olives in my martini.

I also have beef that you used my picture, but thanks for photoshopping in a thong.

miss tejota said...

Hmm, getting hammered before dinner might be a problem for me. I'm meeting up with folks I don't like and THE ONLY way to make it through is to drink, drink, drink. But I'll follow all the other rules for sure.

Very funny post.

Jaymes805 said...

@daisy- I know you hate this holiday and that's usually a dealbreaker for friendship but I had already committed myself to months of friendship before I found that out so looks like I'll have to let it slide. As long as you email me the recipe for your cranberry sauce since it's the only one I've ever found that I like.

@misstejota I'll allow the drinking but this is only because you're awesome and I want you to have a good holiday!

Dangrdafne said...

Mmmm naps
Mmmm mashed potatoes
Mmmm turkey

I love Thanksgiving!
I even love going to my in-laws for Thanksgiving because I catch up on reading, napping and relaxing. It is my most wonderful time of the year :)

Happy Thanksgiving!